Thinking about leaving a high-control group? This checklist can help you prepare
Leaving a high-control group or environment can be one of the most courageous and difficult decisions a person makes.
Leaving a high-control group or environment can be one of the most courageous and difficult decisions a person makes. Whether you’re actively preparing or just starting to imagine a life beyond the group, this checklist can help you assess your situation and take the first steps toward independence and safety.
These questions are designed to help you reflect on what you might need practically, emotionally, and legally. Everyone’s situation is different so use what’s helpful, and skip what doesn’t apply.
Practical preparation
Do you have access to your own phone or internet connection?
Having a personal phone will make many parts of leaving easier, but if that’s not possible, there are other options. Libraries, community centers, cafés, or public Wi-Fi zones can allow you to access email, make calls, or message someone for help. It’s most important to have some private and safe method of communication.
Search terms to try: “cheap phone [your country]”, “public Wi-Fi near me”, “how to browse privately”, “anonymous email account”Do you have your personal identification documents? (e.g., passport, ID card, driver’s license, birth certificate, immigration papers)
Tip: If you don’t, try to locate them or make copies. If that’s not possible, legal aid services or shelters may help you recover or replace them.
Search terms to try: “replace lost ID [your country or state]”, “legal aid identification help”, “get passport without ID [your country]”Do you have a private way to store important information or passwords?
Tip: Consider using a secure notes app, USB stick, or even writing key contacts on paper and keeping them hidden in a safe place.Do you have access to any money or know how to open a bank account?
Tip: Even a small amount of money can be crucial. Some shelters or NGOs help leavers set up independent bank accounts.
Search terms to try: “open bank account without address [your country]”, “financial help for abuse survivors”, “emergency financial support leaving cult”Do you have somewhere safe to go, even for one night?
Tip: Research domestic violence shelters, safe houses, or hostels in your area. Some specialize in supporting people leaving controlling environments.
Search terms to try:“emergency housing [your city]”, “shelter for abuse survivors”, “temporary accommodation crisis [your country]”
Emotional and social support
Do you have anyone outside the group you trust to talk to? (e.g., a friend, ex-member, family member, therapist, teacher)
Tip: Even one connection can make a difference. If you don’t have someone, consider joining online forums or survivor groups anonymously to begin making contact.
Search terms to try: “cult recovery forum”, “support for ex-cult members”, “online trauma support group”Are there organizations or services that can support you during or after your exit?
Tip: Some services provide counseling, housing, legal help, or trauma-informed support for people leaving coercive environments.
Search terms to try: “leaving a cult support [your country]”, “religious trauma help”, “help for people leaving controlling groups”Do you have a safe way to communicate? (e.g., your own phone, private email, secure messaging app)
Tip: Create a new email account no one else has access to. Consider using apps like Signal for secure messaging.
Legal and safety considerations
Could you be at risk of retaliation or surveillance if you leave?
Tip: Safety planning is critical. Domestic violence services often have experience with psychological coercion and can help you make a plan.
Search terms to try: “safety planning leaving controlling relationship”, “coercive control legal advice [your country]”Are you responsible for others, such as children or vulnerable adults?
Tip: Seek advice from family legal services or child protection agencies. They may be able to help you plan a safe exit together.
Search terms to try: “leaving abuse with children [your country]”, “family legal support [your city]”Do you know if you are legally free to leave? (e.g., are you on a dependent visa, under guardianship, or under surveillance?)
Tip: Legal aid or immigration advocacy groups can often provide advice.
Search terms to try: “free legal aid [your city]”, “immigration help [your country]”, “guardian abuse help”
Recovery and rebuilding
What are your most urgent needs for the first days or weeks after leaving? (e.g., food, transport, shelter, rest, psychological support)
Tip: Prioritize safety and stability first. Local NGOs may offer free meals, transport vouchers, or emotional support.
Search terms to try:
“basic needs support [your city]”, “post-trauma care [your country]”, “emergency food and housing assistance”Do you have space to start imagining a life beyond the group?
Tip: There’s no pressure to know what comes next. It’s okay to rest, grieve, or simply take things one step at a time.
Search terms to try: “navigating life after a cult”, “rebuilding identity after coercive control”, “survivor stories leaving high-control group”
Things to keep in mind
You are in a vulnerable state
Leaving a high-control group often brings a mix of grief, freedom, confusion, and longing for connection. This makes leavers particularly vulnerable to exploitation, especially by individuals, groups, or belief systems that seem to offer instant clarity, healing, or belonging. Be cautious when something feels too good to be true. It’s okay to take your time and keep your boundaries high.Be aware of “cult-hopping”
Research shows that it’s not uncommon for people to join another high-control group soon after leaving the first, often without realizing the similarities. In one study, nearly one-third of former members reported being recruited into another cultic environment after leaving their first group (Lalich & Tobias, 2006). This isn’t a personal failure. It reflects the psychological impact of coercive environments and the human need for belonging and certainty. Tip: Before joining a new group, therapist, movement, or community, take time to ask yourself: Do they welcome questions? Do they encourage independent thinking? Do they use guilt, shame, or fear to keep people in line?Consider keeping a journal
Leaving a high-control group often means losing the identity that was shaped or enforced by the group. This loss can feel overwhelming and have deep, long-term effects that may take years to fully understand. Buying a simple notebook and beginning to journal your thoughts, memories, and discoveries can help provide emotional grounding. Recording your experiences during and after the group, as well as moments of self-awareness and new beliefs, can become powerful anchors as you begin to build a new identity on your own terms.Trust is a process
You don’t need to fully trust anyone right away. It’s normal to feel unsure of your instincts after leaving a system that taught you to distrust your own judgment. Prioritise rebuilding trust in yourself and know that this, and learning to trust others, will takes time. And that’s okay.There’s no need to rush into a new identity
You may feel pressure to redefine yourself quickly, especially if the group gave you a clear role or purpose. But it’s okay not to know who you are yet. Exploring your beliefs, values, and interests slowly and without pressure can lead to a more authentic sense of self.
Final thoughts
You don’t have to know everything before you take your first step. This checklist is meant to help you feel more informed and in control of your choices. Whether you leave tomorrow, next year, or just need to know your options, you are not alone.
Let us know if you’d like help finding resources specific to your country or situation. You deserve support, dignity, and freedom.